Saturday, March 30, 2013

The Love Boat sails again.


More like a box of Mrs. Field's cookies than a boat; its contents surprise.

The ferries of the Huangpu have become a daily ally in my cosmopolitan travels. They save frustration with taxi drivers (and their infinite ways to charge ¥50 for a ¥20 fare) and for a mere ¥4, get me a round trip excursion combined with a six block walk to the pool. And all in the company of the salt of Shanghai. Never a day passes where I don't see something that amazes me, or an instance where I, inadvertently, amaze someone (generally an inquisitive toddler who has never seen a Caucasian). 

This past Thursday, I observed one of those rare events only the most unguarded moments of humanity can provide. I'm sure every city has their similar unique, quirky phenomenon. That heartfelt sentiment that can only be experienced in a specific locale. Chicago has the 147 and the 151 between 5:00p and 7:00p, Detroit its Greek Town pubs at the first hint of spring on a Friday afternoon, LA its breathtaking view from the balcony of the Getty on a clear day, and New York – walks in the village anytime. 

You all know it when it happens. It happens without notice. Without pretense. Completely spontaneous.

To be completely immersed in the sappy naïveté it was, for one brief moment, as John Lennon wrote "all the people living for today." 

I had just finished an exhausting swim feeling the effects of an anaerobic final set and I was still "floating" on the six-block walk to the ferry. If I'm to stay on my schedule it's a calculated, brisk walk, dodging cars, trucks, vans and buses with the odd motor scooter carrying anything from a three person family and miniature dog, to ten meter lengths of bamboo in the balance. It takes about seven minutes. Making it is the difference between waiting another fifteen-minute cycle and getting on with business. 

I made the docks, with a few minutes to spare, well into a most satisfying endorphin high.

As my fellow commuters and I awaited arrival of the Mrs. Fields boat (as Kris aptly christened it) the density of the mass slowly increased. The Chinese, I am convinced are the most closely related to our water emergent ancestors, as they will fill the smallest of space in the most fluid of fashion with barely a nudge to ensure the highest possible density per square meter.

We were packed like sardines.

The ferry pilots have a game of sorts and the pilot of the Mrs. Field’s express was no exception. They love to provide a bit of excitement in the form of "gangway surfing" to the awaiting commuter crowd on the docks. They will, to borrow a John McClain term, "drive" like Stevie Wonder (by feel). The effects of a ferry weighing hundreds of tons slamming into a pontoon supported gangway at about three knots is an at-first terrifying, then soaring feeling. The reverberations soon subsided and the boat was tied in.

The ferry had emptied its human cargo and the restraining gate allowing access to the empty vessel opened. It was as if a gate releasing a PBR Championship bull rider had been opened unleashing a great expanse of energy. People for whatever reason run as if they might actually "miss the boat." It is the Shanghai sprint, a chaotic, short 20-meter dash. This day it was as if I hovered above the crowd watching and moving in slow motion. I casually wrote-off trying to secure my usual seat at the bow, just under the large "picture window" on the main deck. Surprisingly most of the jackrabbits opted for the second deck out in the open air. My seat patiently awaited my arrival.

As I settled, the trip seemed slightly more crowded than usual but nothing extraordinary.

My entertainment for this portion of the trip is to observe the "cat and mouse" game between the deckhands and the last of commuters scurrying for the ferry. (It is the only charade remotely similar to anything Gopher-esque on this short cruise). The deckhands are the gatekeepers. They close the gate in the waning seconds prior to launch as the Customs House clock on the Bund chimes "The East Is Red."* Its signal ends the fifteen-minute respite before the poor messenger with its load must endure the viscous gray paint kindly called the Huangpu. Milliseconds prior to send-off the few brave souls, running as if for their lives, toddler, luggage, or bales of goods to sell on the streets in tow, elude the pinches of the closing gate and the ferrie's two sliding seesames, to triumphantly join the masses en route. A small celebration ensues as their adrenaline dissipates.

The deckhands untie and we are off to PuDong.

The new financial zone this day is a blaze silver and gold in the skies as well as adorning the usual Shanghai gray of the river as if bangled for a night on the town. It's exhilarating in a way few cities can claim.

As we sped along amidst the barges loaded to the deck line ("never mind the waterline we can still carry more..."), freighters and large ocean going container vessels, a rocking motion became evident. It informed all that the river was indeed busy.

Just passed the half way point of the commute and above the normal buzz of hundreds of chatterboxes, a song began to play on the PA system. It is normal to hear music, nothing unusual, or so I thought, just a calming, pleasant melody.

With in a bar or two, I noticed that people became aware of the music. First it seemed women with infants acknowledged the tune by quietly, signing or humming along. Soon after the young women and elderly of both genders joined adding to depth of the chorus. Within about a minute even the ultra-cool, nouveau-hip, and punk Sino-sons had humbly joined in. 

As the volume grew so too did a deeply felt sentiment of quiet contentment. 
(I suppose the western equivalent would have been the 32nd chorus of Hey Jude.)

As we slowly rocked towards the PuDong docks we were no longer on the planet. It was as if we were sailing between the covers of a Chris Van Allsburg book. We were in fact carried by the unwavering, heartfelt tune. The voice of a single woman accompanied by a semi-new age composition had lifted everyone to some point beyond their mundane existence, cool bedazzled UGGs, fussing babies, heavy loads of counterfeit Louis Vuitton whatever's to a common point. The point at which everyone in need of soothing companionship, a kind word or strong shoulder found exactly that. 

It was that rare 120 seconds or so, when very unassumingly, a lethargic boat believed it could, and escaped the gravity of earth's monotonous, dull, aching tugs. We ascended beyond the metallic mirrored glass buildings newly appointed to beckon the money grabbers, shysters, and highfalutin the world over, without missing a beat. 

Time and all dimension had ceased to exist and all were one as we sailed on.

Before the music and chorus completely faded, upon reentry to Shanghai life, we were abruptly greeted with the Mrs. Field's boat’s signature mooring – a slam against the docks to awaken Davey Jones.

As we all began to exit, a calm I have rarely felt en masse on this planet, was present.

I asked the cool young Shanghainese Gen Y-er next to me if the song was something new or old. (My secret hope was that it would be the overwhelming successor to the Gangnam Style.) He struggled to find the English words finally saying "it is berry, berry oat" as he made a cradling, rocking motion. His crackling voice and aversion to direct eye contact, soon made it apparent that it wasn't the language he wrestled with. 

This was more than simply a lullaby.

So, with the boat emptying and the hush slowly lifting, those flashing back sentimentally continued humming, and still others crying an odd tear, we all went our separate ways, but not before we had all been bestowed a generous dose of joy.


* – My driver Mr. Zhao would tell you the east is yellow, no black, no white, no red – only yellow. 
That's a differently entry. 

© Karl Shaffer 2013




Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Cultural differences? A hastily bridged language barrier? Or simply, too much information?

This notice caught my attention to the extent that I had to read it three times.

Living in Shanghai has its own set of adventures, cultural differences and just plain oddities.

Proof in point is a new notice posted at one of the clubs I swim at. To put it into perspective, the club happens to be Shanghai's answer to LA fitness – a seven or eight story complex buzzing with activity early in the morning until late in the evening. Hundreds of fitness fanatics and neophytes alike cross the threshold everyday in hopes of alleviating the effects of smoking, smog and chronic cubicle syndrome.

I had just finished a lunch hour swim and ducked into one of the main bathrooms to grab a Q-tip and tissue to expunge the last of the chlorinated water. As I reached for the swab I noticed a new sign that I'd never seen before in an advisory to patrons.

It certainly commanded attention given its size, bold faced and densely composed typography (in any language). Needless to say it seemed an important message. As I began to read, I wondered if it had anything to do with the pool recently and unexpectedly being closed. As I completed my curious read, I was stunned (while thinking that mild dyslexia had impeded my read). I read the notice again with the perfect movie state of mind suspending disbelief.

No, they couldn't mean ... really? No?

Upon the third read it was in fact perfectly clear – Chinglish. Fairly recently, there has been a series of books written and a now defunct Broadway play devoted to the phenomena. The incorrect use of english (by english standards) being perfectly acceptable by Chinese in the context of everyday Chinese life. Fun, I know. And while it can and should be written off to the inequities and losses in translation, somehow it still just doesn't seem that a notice as such can be written off so easily without regard for the possible source of the catalyst precipitating it.

Immediately the Mad Magazine vision of 4 decades past popped into my head. A 70's feminist Rapunzel (tasteless as only Mad Magazine could be - if you choose not to deal with such pubescent humor please skip to the next paragraph) with hair cascading down 12 stories from her armpits allowing her lover to unwittingly ascend the tower. Could someone suffering Tonsurephobia have aimed the hair dyer at an overgrown armpit? On second thought however, the notice is very clear, the hairdryer is only to be used to dry hair (since the description of hair is left generic it must be the reader's application of common sense that will, ah-hum, dictate the action). Specificity as such eliminates the possibility of my pubescent recollection from being the impetus (at least to a reasonable doubt).

No, this was something different.

Since the notice commands a respect for others it must have been an act of some offense to commonly held Confucian practice.

Was it simply an ingenious adaptation of a mundane device in lieu of a forgotten towel? (I think not since towels are dispensed at the welcome desk.)

Or, was it an act prompted by a sophomoric dare?
Even a 3 year-old knows that hair dryers get hot enough to leave a scar on the unrestrained curiously prodding finger.


I suspect in lieu of serious TORT reform (or even TORT acknowledgement) here in PRC the sign is intended to prevent serious injury in the future based upon an inane act that must have been committed on the premises.

Today I venture south in hopes of gaining access to Shanghai Oriental Sports Center site of the 2011 FINA World Championships. I'm hoping hair dryers are not standard equipment. 

© Karl Shaffer 2013

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

A deceptively beautiful and humbling welcome.

A mid-September sunset shows the colors of Shanghai like never before. 

Having arrived back in Shanghai in mid-September, after a long summer in Michigan and various other parts of the states, I was greeted by the most beautiful sunset of any I've seen in Shanghai. Periwinkle, lavender, magenta, and vermillion steamed from a molten epicenter of cadmium yellow and gold (even the finely attuned iPhone eye couldn't improve upon this).

In a word the skies were awesome.

The unfortunate and toxic reality is, that without the dangerous particulates suspended in mid-air this gorgeous animation doesn't happen.

As if unexpectedly entering the realm of drifting medusae while snorkeling. It's easy to be carried away by the intense colors meant to serve warning as to what belies the poor soul ignorantly invading the mesmerizing choreography of lappets. In this case, simply breathing during mildly, strenuous exertion is enough to do some damage according the environmental air quality reports.

The truths of Shanghai are starting to emerge for me. After spending the first year here as a tourist on extended holiday the veneer is starting to wear thin. As I told Kris, upon my return, this maybe the year I see Shanghai for what it is. However, being the perpetual optimist, I promised to keep an eye on the beautiful side as we gasp like golden carp out of water.

Within a few days my optimism was rewarded by the aftermath of a typhoon reaching the shores of Shanghai. On successive days the clouds spun in from the east they seemed to ride upon the rays of setting suns accompanied by the chorus from some Mozartian opera relegating the skyline to a humble silhouette.


Typhoon clouds envelop a Shanghai sunset.


The last of the typhoon clouds float past a Shanghai sunset.

 

© Karl Shaffer 2012

After much introspection I beg to differ.



As reported by @ http://www.poppaganda.net/


I recently crossed paths with a cynical young westerner on the Bund. Without a word spoken his cynicism fell upon me like a the stench of an open sewer in old Hongkou.

It was his brand new black tee shirt pictured above.

Being one to curiously try the shoe on if it seems there is a remote possibility of it fitting (and me extracting perhaps a salsa or two from the soles), I introspectively wondered if my indulgences were truly my own in the vast barren wasteland that is the blogosphere.

All too eager to give in to the misdirected affront, I tucked the thought into my subconscious to address it another day when the sun wasn't shining and the air not so pristine. (Context is everything when it comes to introspection.)

Soon a few days passed and I received an email from a Parisienne reporter with Metropole Television in France wanting to investigate the sources for my Emperor Zillah entry. It seems extreme Sino-Franco commerce piqued their interest and I all too flattered was more than happy to send along any information I could. Which brings me back to the dark black tee shirt.

Digging through the well managed, delusional mess of my subconscious, visions of the smugster wearing the shirt emerged (never mind that I might have been that wise ass thirty years ago) and I had my answer.

"Speak for yourself pal. I have six readers who regularly ask after new content and a high flying seventh who will make Mad Man in Shanghai a truly international source soon to rival HuffPo."

The only advice I have for the uninspired twit – be original, save the fifty bucks and get off your ass and write.

Which is why after a six month hiatus I am again writing.

© Karl Shaffer 2012

Monday, June 18, 2012

When a villa just isn’t enough – Emperor Zillah.

Seriously.

Truth is stranger than fiction, even stranger than the infamous science fiction of Godzilla vs. Whoever, which, in a bizarre, déjà vu sort of way is exactly what I’m about to describe.

This, a dream of a viral “punk’d-op” skipped YouTube and rocketed to hyper-reality, Emperor Zillah is a real place.

Awash in ignorance as I question the appropriate meaning of “Zillah” to assign here, my fingers deftly head to Wikipedia. I look it up again with a strict aversion to sci-fi entries. It seems the British coined the term (of Hindi and Arabic derivation) around 1790 as they attempted to colonize India, it means: an administrative district in India. There’s literally nothing admin about this place although one could extrapolate it to mean the center of power. On to the next def, in a biblical context Zillah was one of two wives of Lamech. Gen. 4:19 – strike two, something more Babylonian might have worked. The USS Zillah, a patrol boat, probably not – this is the freakin' mothership. Sigh, Definitely not Zillah from Wuthering Heights. Zillah the vampire, perhaps in economic terms as this place could suck the life out of any mere millionaire.

Zillah for these purposes might best be applied in the context of a character of minimal significance in Flora Thompson’s Lark Rise to Candleford.  A novel describing the journey from a tiny village to a new, worldly town where the affects of the “new” impact an entire community as it moves from rural culture into the future.

Even though I’ve taken great liberties with the entire context, Lark Rise fits better than my initial inclination to settle for the "biggest, baddest, monster" def.

Allow me if I may, to transport you to epicenter of excess, slightly southeast of the Shanghai World Financial Center in the People’s Republic of China, of all places.

Emperor Zillah, the gated community introduced to Shanghai in 2008, is comprised of twenty-two, 9,000+ sq ft Zillahs (think châteaux) complete with swimming pools and your very own ½+ acre slab of prime real estate. This new Emperor will no doubt provide all of the bells and whistles to make the acute, affluently ordained olfactory nerves sturnutate at the scent of a “vanilla” villa.

The real world metaphors are Bel Air, West Chester County, and Lake Forest heavily influenced by Provence. You get the picture. The places where the so-called “American Dream” resides in Dolby® surround sound and dreamy white Technicolor®. These are the sort of places, where as newly anointed drivers, we loved to travel to from our mind-numbing, lower, middle class existence, just to do lawn jobs, steal real estate signs and ultimately live up to Frank Zappa’s exhortations of knocking the jockeys off the rich people’s lawns.

Those were days of American capitalism at its shiny best and we of limited means needed a piece of it. Hell, it was that hunger that empowered Risky Business to become the road map of a lost generation in search of a short cut to fiscal irresponsibility. 

We actually believed we were the center of the universe because our government acted like it.

$750 billion dollars not once, but twice later, and after leaving the land of super-sized getting downsized, and a government relegated to self-inflicted grid-lock, I have inadvertently found that delta at the end of the Great River of Money.

China.

The diamond encrusted Lambo-bling.
It is a place where a late boomer such as myself can become easily confused between capitalism and materialism. A place where the excesses of consumption relegate the bling of Jay-Z and Liberace to mere nomenclature on the Lamborghini. The Chinese super rich are as mesmerised as barracudas when it comes to “shiny new objects”. And while the audacity of out doing the western world on its own materialistic terms seems hilarious at first in the form of Emperor Zillah – it is the potent, hi-octane fueling the fires in the bellies that keep this juggernaut a churn.

They are buying the dream as we once did with wholehearted government endorsement. And unlike what we had, a fiercely protective government and society, that while friendly to outsiders, rarely if ever allows them into the inner sanctum. And it seems rightly so at this point, to this casual observer.

The Chinese people are getting a taste of limited freedom promised by a series of five-year plans that has put them nearly a generation ahead of the economic reformers' (primarily Zhoa Enlai and Deng Xiaoping) projections of the seventies, eighties and nineties. (A different story that lends credence to Jesse Ventura’s concept of a no-party political system where officials work for, imagine that, the people!) They are pushing it to the limits both literally and figuratively. They work hard (any less would be a personal embarrassment by subscribing to the morays of the welfare states of the west [How dare everyone expect a trophy!]) and they play hard.

Two weekends past, 34 Ferraris were caught (well almost, it seems 26 eluded capture) racing from Shanghai to Zhejiang hitting top speeds of 213 kph or 134 mph on the public interstate on their way to, jeah – a racetrack.



This is the wide-eyed, irrepressible howl of change.

The initial gust of a jeweled, pavé encrusted typhoon, these are the early symptoms of an urban existence left behind as the glimmering yellow brick road transports the Chinese dream at warp speed (or minimum at the speed of a 458 Spider). The Chinese people have a vision and it is surpassing the western version of materialism as it drags the populist into an era of consumption amidst dimming Confucian virtues.

In August of 2011, after a five month housing slump, the Zillah roared to the rescue leading a resurgence, when one 850-square-meter (9150 sq ft) unit fetched 135 million Yuan, or $21.3 million US. They build more.

When I was a kid there was a crazy American who once had a dream ( ... no not that one – he was sane by comparison) inspired by an awe of the immense potential of an alien nation comprised of 800 million people (which he new would quickly grow to over 1.2 billion within a generation). 800 million people he marveled to his henchman "What might they someday accomplish?" Perhaps more significantly, there seemed to be a sentiment of "We may not beat them so let's preemptively plan to join them".

So, he asked Hank to open the door. 

Unfortunately, that crazy man went completely, and then fell, of the wall.
A generation passed before we actually decided to step through that door. 

Ironically, Zhou and Deng exhibited the testicular fortitude and then some, of Richard Nixon as they introduced ideas contradictory to the Chinese Communist hardline of the time that could have killed them. These ideas embodied elements of free market economies. (Zhou worked with Kissinger to open China to the US visits in the early seventies. Deng is generally credited with developing China into one of the fastest growing economies in the world, improving the standard of living for hundreds of millions of Chinese.)

So, as Chinese tastes rewrite the menu of the material world we once consumed, the much anticipated Zillah of an ideological show down seems to have quietly passed with barely a struggle under the auspices of materialism. The aging, lone world superpower wallows in an uninspired political, anti-dream time, while a new, aspiring one dreams in 24 karat, hallucinicolor. One society seems to be looking to drive Bentleys, Bugattis and Ferraris, as the other seems to be resigning itself to pulling richshaws.

What happens next might be one of the few good things to come of the Nixonian era, an outlandish dream of an ambitious (and hopefully purehearted) individual asking "What if?", becoming the kick in the ass that America needs to again empower her people. 

In the interim, I, being a recent political agnostic since "sleeping with Hope and awakening with a corpse", am looking forward to again returning to my middle class roots via the road to a new Chinese driver's license.

Shanghainese lawn jockeys prepare for battle.

© 2012 Karl Shaffer

Sunday, June 3, 2012

We have an SUV vs. Sherpa on a motor scooter.

1 – 90 seconds after impact            2 – Eight minutes after impact        3 – 40 minutes after impact      

At about 9:00p or so, on a recent Thursday evening we were about to sit down and catch-up on ER. Yeah, the show now relegated to syndication that helped launched that talented thespian, George Clooney (who happens to be bigger than ever here in Shanghai). It is one of the few shows Kris has ever watched. I rarely, if ever watched it, because I was usually preoccupied by work or some such psychotic endeavor.

Here in Shanghai ER is easy to watch, simply because the television programming is pretty bad. (If we watched more than an hour or so a day things would be pretty dire.) Luckily we do get the major tennis tournament and seasonally, in the fall, my favorite spectacle, bull fighting! (More on this later.)

We get to see The Voice, Hawaii 5-0 and the ubiquitous CSIs if we choose. Frankly, my interests begin and end narrowly with Mad Men, which I have to score on iTunes.

Thanks to the wonder of CDs we can relive the glory years of ER.

So, as I was saying we were about to sit down to another episode featuring Doug’s indiscretions, when I hear a loud crash. Initially it sounds like a sound F/X of a gurney busting through the ICU doors on the show.

Within seconds it becomes clear that it was actually a mishap on the street near our building.

I hurry to the balcony to see what’s up. It’s a collision at the intersection below. It looks pretty serious as I scan the scene. There’s a small SUV stopped just past the apex point of a left hand turn and a person lying on the pavement ten feet or so away. There is also a scooter about 20 feet away. It seems the person on the ground was a deliveryman from a local service called Sherpa’s (even in the dim light of the intersection I see the trademark orange and black logo).

Two or three passersby surround the person on the ground, bending to briefly inspect him/her. Immediately they were on their cell phones calling for help. I see the Sherpa move albeit very, very slowly.

After five minutes there is no sign of police or ambulance in the vicinity. I'm expecting Carter and Malucci to come running to the scene with the stolen EMR tool kits in hand.

Our doctor’s advice rings gravely accurate, “in the case of emergency take a taxi to the western hospital across the river” it’s your best bet for urgent care.

Soon the passersby grew to a small crowd of about ten, all of which were concerned though not assisting. I was surprised to see the SUV driver still in attendance, or seemingly so, because the vehicle was still there. In China the law is pretty clear (as I understand it) that if a driver injures or disables a person in an accident and it is determined to be the driver’s fault, the injured person is entitled to be supported for life by the driver at fault. It is a quick process relative to courtroom processes and litigation in the US.

It is also emphatically advised that if you do see such a mishap that you do not by any means assist the victim, as you could be held accountable for any injuries incurred – even in an effort to help.

However, this system has recently had its setbacks. It seems that the fine for a driver at fault for killing a person can be less, much less, than the cost of life-long support for the maimed.  This has given rise to the Chinese urban legend (and harsh reality) of guilty drivers killing their victims at the scene. In a horrific case a couple of years ago, a driver repeatedly backed-up and ran over a four year-old boy who happened to have been right behind the car. The initial incident was definitely an accident the subsequent actions were intentional and the boy died as a result.


The incident caused an outrage but not enough of one to prevent the well to do guilty party from paying a fine and walking.

There was an even more deliberate killing at the hands of an affluent young driver in 2010. When after he struck a peasant woman, he got out of his vehicle to evaluate the situation whereupon he found the woman (not fatally injured) writing down his license number. He acted deliberately and decisively, stabbing her eight times – killing her. http://www.ministryoftofu.com/2011/04/chinese-public-opinion-demands-execution-of-a-student-accuses-state-tv-for-siding-murderers/

His reasoning was “not to be pestered by peasants.” In this case the driver was executed after a short trial.

Bordering on 8 minutes since impact (cognoscente of time with an eye on my cell phone clock) and finally I hear a siren. It seems to be an opportunistic proprietor of a wrecker/tow truck. Now, I'm convinced as the television subtext is exclaiming, "the patient is bleeding out!" The crowd was growing still larger as some of the concerned seemed to now form a barrier around the Sherpa (much like water buffaloes protecting their young) while others directed traffic in a chaotic manner.

Finally, a police cruiser and two motorcycle officers arrive at the scene.

One officer begins to clear pedestrians and the other walks up to inspect the Sherpa. The officer was careful not to move the victim as he walked around the extremities. He did seem to be talking with the victim though.

It's now about 12-15 minutes or so later and the officers are now talking to witnesses. This process lasts for another 15-20 minutes. All while the poor Sherpa lies on the pavement virtually motionless. For over a half an hour, I expect an ambulance any second.

What happens next can only be described as  “Gilliam-ly” surreal (as in Brazil).

Incredulously, the officers begin their accident scene investigation. Apparently, they deduce that the Sherpa, while incapacitated, is not in need. The two officers pull out a tape measure and begin documenting the scene. The Sherpa is motionless on the pavement. They measure from the fender of the SUV to the point at which the Sherpa lies. Then the distance from the SUV to the point of the crunched motor scooter is recorded. Once the primary measurements are out of the way an intricate series of geometric measurements ensues. The distances from the SUV bumper to the light post at the right corner, then to a more acute traffic light post on the same side. These measurements take another 10 to 15 minutes.

At this point the Sherpa still isn’t moving. He seems resided to accept his fate.

After the measurements seem to be complete the officer again approaches the Sherpa in a more compassionate manner, he kneels to speak with him.  Simultaneously, a siren is wailing in the distance, soon the crowd clears enough to allow an ambulance to enter the vicinity.

Two medics attend to the Sherpa for about 10 minutes and finally with the help of the officer get him onto a stretcher and into the back of the ambulance. It takes another five minutes before the ambulance leaves the scene.

Once the ambulance is gone the wrecker is allowed to move the SUV and the motor scooter is hoisted to a small flatbed, both are ferried away.

Traffic is back to normal in a few minutes and the Sherpa (fate unknown to this observer) is a commemorated by a few chalk stripes on the pavement.

I am reminded of a very short and bizarre conversation I had with a young woman a few days earlier as we crossed an intersection a few blocks north of the accident site. Stepping of off a curb simultaneously we were “flown-bye” by a taxi. He was well in control of his cab and yet too close for comfort as he came within a foot of the two of us. This is common and generally happens two to three times at any intersection crossing as drivers make left hand turns not one at a time, but in loose formations of up to six vehicles at a time, depending on the window in oncoming traffic. Understand that while the crossing light may say cross, it in no way implies pedestrians have right of way.


All drivers commonly assume this game of rock, paper, scissors is succinctly understood by pedestrians – buses crush cars and taxis, cars and taxis take-out pedestrians and pedestrian can only stop tanks.

We both continued to cross and I sarcastically narrated aloud thinking no one was listening "they aren’t even that good in New York City." My amused comrade said, “This is Shanghai – they’re crazy.”

I wondered if that was really true, after all, even craziness values life.

They wouldn't depict so many crazy people in ER if that weren't true would they?

© 2012 Karl Shaffer


Friday, May 11, 2012

Amy, the Ayi. Mmmmmm. Part two

Amy it seems, has a great passion for cooking and she's quite good at it.

The last time Amy was the subject of conversation we were suspended in "wait and see" mode. I had instituted a moratorium on celebratory dinners to seriously reconsider my abilities to identify anyone who might be effective at anything here in Shanghai. Add the variables of an Ayi's duties and well, Shanghai's pristine patina tarnishes a bit and it's alter ego "Shanghai-ed" seems to emerge with the intensity of aliens in Ridley Scott's new film. 

New places can be that way, particularly if you're not a tourist or native.

The essence of existence is quite similar to floating. You're a part of things and yet you aren't. It can be good and bad as I've related to this point. With regard to Amy, it seems to be good, things are working much better.

Our common phonetic/mime vocabulary seems to be getting more finite. I'm learning Mandarin (Amy insists on a Shanghainese dialect) and she is learning English by virtue of our nondescript accents.

Amy is on time everyday now except when the elevator is slow (come again?). Ah, yes, the "slow elevator" it takes about a minute per story so when Amy arrives at 9:20a it's generally it's  because the elevator was on Huangpu River cruise control. It's funny because Amy is so emphatic about making sure I understand that it is the elevator and not Amy who was late.The longer I live here the more credible these explanations seem and generally the more widely accepted I see they are in the culture. 

"Okay, yeah, you're right the elevator was late, no worries, cheers!"

Once she has determined that I believe her (you know with that inquisitive albeit, reluctant puppy dog "well do I get a treat or not" look), acknowledging my nod, she's off like a shot to the chores at hand.

Within the hour she's taken care of straightening-up three bedrooms, four bathrooms, the kitchen, dining room, living room and as non-intrusively as possible the office. All impeccably done. She's like Molly Maid on brown/clears (those of you born after 1970 are just going to have to trust me). Invariably as she enters the office she looks to see what I'm up to. I always have the sense that she keeps a notebook and reports back to the Red Army on my behavior. I'm even starting to believe this whole "I don't understand English thing" is a front (I feel so at home in that wonderful Chinese province of Paranoia).

Regardless, usually by 10:00a or so she has the first load of laundry in the washer and is back in the office asking "Mista, mǐfàn?" Which I interpret as "do you want me to cook today?" (It actually means, Mista do you want cooked rice?) In any event, if the answer is yes, Amy demands that the driver be ready to go by 10:30a if it's any later she becomes agitated. (Mr. Zhao our driver has related to me that he thinks she is pig-headed because of her insistence.)

This day we do want Amy to cook.

Promptly at 10:30a (depending on if the elevator is slow) we, the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker, are on our way to the ATM for the shopping allowance of RMB (the well protected Chinese currency). I ask Amy how much she'll need and she counts in her best English to ten and then in Mandarin up to fifteen indicating that she needs 1500 RMB. Recently, I've noticed the amount has crept up from 1000 or 1100 RMB. A little perplexing because she always brings back 400-500 RMB in change. Frugality seems to be a source of pride for many Chinese and this is Amy's way of saying "Hey mista, I'm getting some great deals for you here!" As I finish counting out 1500 clams (an acceptable denomination in any language) Amy and Mr. Zhao are off bantering back and forth about whether Obama is a warlord or a coward regarding events in the South China Sea.

This is evident because Amy, with furled brow, squints more intently than usual while posturing in the backseat as if aiming two fists full of semi automatic 9mms (think Schwarzenegger muttering "Hasta La vista baby") while exclaiming "Obama, dud-dud-dud-dut!" (A widely accepted Sino sound effect for semi automatic weapon fire.) Mr. Zhao in an amused voice waves her off saying "Obama, no dud-dud-dud-dut!" He does the extended pinky and thumb call-me gesture, "Vietnam call Obama, say Obama help, help! Obama, say me sink." Mr. Zhao then impersonates Obama rubbing his chin in mock consideration for dramatic effect before delivering the punchline, "Obama say, No help Vietnam!" They both laugh hysterically. It's as funny as any John Stewart newscast. 

All joking aside, at either extreme, it's a US foreign policy failure by any standard. 

I'm just happy Amy and Mr. Zhao haven't "dud-dud-dud-dut-ed" each other. That means the shopping will get done, hopefully in time for Mr. Zhao to get my daughter where she needs to be later that afternoon.  

Four and a half hours, and five stores later, Amy is back with the groceries. She is talking 110 miles an hour about how hard it is to find some of the items on the list. Ultimately she grabs the check-out ribbon and goes down the list of items she couldn't get. Pointing to an item "Mista, méiyǒu!" (Mista, there weren't any) then to the next item "méiyǒu!" on it goes until I start to think that méiyǒu is a preexisting condition.

At about 3:30p the groceries are unpacked, Amy motions at me to leave the kitchen. She unceremoniously shoos me away as a snobby, French pantry chef might. It's hilarious to see her, back arched forward, arms extended, flicking her wrists so her fingers snap as if the tail of a whip to shoo me out. 

"I'm good, just make sure to honor the no cooking oil – particularly no Chinese cooking oil* request and we're cool."

An hour or so passes and she emerges from the kitchen to summon me from the office. She hands me a set of chopsticks motioning for me try what she has prepared. Earlier we had decided that she would make green beans with ground pork and a slightly altered spicy, chicken and pepper dish.

She watches eagerly as I taste the green beans, which I am pleasantly surprised by – they are (as Tony would say) great! There is enough garlic to keep things interesting and the beans are al dente, she mildly seasoned the pork bringing an added dimension and timing that could easily have been just another dull vegetable accompaniment.

Then it's on to the spicy chicken.

As I lift the first bite via chopsticks, I drop it. She tries to wrest the sticks from me as if to say "Do I need to feed you too?" It's my turn to shoo her away "Chill gurl, I got this!" She rolls her eyes as if she'd learned from Aretha herself (Amy, don't tell me you don't understand English). I taste the chicken and it is better than the first dish. "Wow, mmmm, Amy this is really good." I try to snag a few more pieces before Amy has the time to get me a fork. As spicy goes, it has heat and great flavor. She uses three different varieties of peppers from very hot to sweet and the subtleties are amazing.

Damn, this is good. And I thought Yan could cook!

She looks at me pensively, asking "Good?!?" I say "yeah, very good!" again she asks "Good??" as if to savor the moment. I give in "Amy, this is very, very good, xièxie!" (Thank you.) Amy, modestly, with eyebrows piqued and eyes-wide bows and says with her trademarked show of gratitude "Sank you Mista, sank you."

It's nearly 5:00p and Amy is about to leave but not before painstakingly "plating" the serving dishes so as to impress "baby and Ms. Kris". I have to say Martha Stewart might learn a thing or two from her where aesthetics are concerned. 

Soon Amy is out the door with a "bye-pie Mista, zàijiàn!" (farewell).

Meanwhile, I'm back in the kitchen sneaking a bit of the newly reinstated celebratory dinner.

* – China is cracking down on swill shops that will render-down anything under the sun and sell it to non-government conforming cooking oil brands looking to make a fast buck by selling it. It is literally poison.

© 2012 Karl Shaffer